Author’s Note: Clicking on any of the Twitter names in the story will open their profile page, allowing you to follow them if you’ve created a profile of your own.
@robgokee woke up on his back. He could hear the whine of an engine, and he could feel dirt under his back. Rob remembered being on a flight from Paris to NY, and now he was on his back on land. It reminded him of that time in Vegas with @dailyactor when he woke up without pants on the floor of Circus Circus with a mouth full of poker chips. And a deck of cards somewhere he’d rather not think about right now.
@robgokee sat up and looked around. He was surrounded by trees and shrubbery. Then his field of vision was filled with the face of some man who seemed to appear out of nowhere.
“Hi,” whispered the man.
“Who are-” @robgokee was cut off by the man’s hand over his mouth.
“Shhh.” The man looked around nervously. “My name is Carter Mason.”
“Where are we, Carter?” Rob looked around and saw that the trees extended farther then he could see. @cartermason looked at Rob.
“I didn’t say my name was “Carter.” I said it was Carter Mason.”
Rob looked at him blankly. “Umm, sure. Where are we?”
“As far as I can tell, an island somewhere in the Atlantic. We crashed.” @cartermason crouched, licked his finger, put in into the dirt, and then tasted it. Rob tilted his head. “What the hell are you doing?”
“Yup, this soil is definitely island soil.” @robgokee determined at that moment that Carter Mason was not all there.
“Crashed?” said Rob, “I don’t remember any crash. I was reading a magazine article written by @dr0id about the 100 top reasons Mac went bankrupt after PC’s switched from Windows to the new Google OS, and then I woke up here. No plummet, no oxygen mask, no nothing.”
“I don’t think it was a normal crash, something’s fishy.” @cartermason lifted his shirt to expose his six-pack and a 9mm pistol.
“You want to explain that?” said Rob, backing away slightly.
“Lots of situps, bro.”
“No, you idiot, the gun.”
“I’m a federal agent. I work for CTA, the Counter Terrorism Agency in Los Angeles. I was transporting a suspected terrorist from Europe to the US for interrogation.” @cartermason produced a picture of a blonde woman. A VERY HOT blonde woman. “Her name is @alliecine. Have you seen her since the crash?”
“I wish,” said @robgokee.
“No, you don’t,” said @cartermason. “She’s very, very dangerous. She’s wanted for making propaganda films in Europe about the decline of U.S. Film Festivals.”
“That’s terrorism?” said Rob skeptically.
“We don’t joke about the nation’s economy; she could cause a ripple effect that could damage the entire entertainment industry. Also, she shot and killed 2 dozen agents when we confronted her. And a cat.”
“Well, I haven’t seen her.” Rob stood up.
“Where are your pants?” said Carter, pointing at Rob’s crotch. @robgokee looked down to see that he didn’t have any pants on. He looked up at @cartermason. “I wasn’t wearing any when I boarded the flight.”
@cartermason stared at him for a second and then shrugged his shoulders. “Whatever. Let’s go see where the rest of the survivors are.
Rob and Carter Mason made their way to the beach, where things were in utter chaos. There was no plane wreckage, just bodies and people wandering, dazed, all over the beach. Rob stepped over the head of @jamiefishback, although the body was no where to be found. He walked by @bekemeyer masturbating out in the open on the beach, which seemed odd, unless you know him, and then you know that it’s pretty much all he does. @alaiawilliams was holding his skinned knee and crying profusely. @roomtone was laughing at her, but I think that was because he hadn’t realized he was missing both his arms. Rob made his way across the beach to a man who was carrying people 2 at-a-time with his muscular arms and triaging them in the sand.
“Need help?” The man looked Rob up and down, flexing his arms while doing so. “I don’t think so, little man.”
“Little? I’m like 6 foot 3.”
“My man-sized muscles are more than enough for me to handle this.” He reached out his hand. “Name’s @brianspaeth.” @robgokee shook his powerful hand and thought his arm was going to come off with it. “Rob,” said @robgokee. “Maybe I can help another way. I’m a doctor.”
“Really?” said @brianspaeth, using his deep and powerful man-voice. “That’s great! We’ve got a guy over there that has a collapsed lung and….”
“Oh, I’m not that kind of doctor,” said @robgokee. “I’m a podiatrist.” Brian looked at him like he was going to squash him. “Great. I’ll let you know if anyone has a hangnail.”
“I can do more than that,” said Rob, but @brianspaeth was already gone, carrying 6 people at once with his large arms over to another part of the beach. Rob secretly wondered if Brian was eating them and that’s how he got so big. This was actually true, but no one would discover Brian’s secret until years later, when they got back to the mainland, and saw Brian’s necklace of teeth around his neck.
Suddenly, shots rang out. Rob looked back the way he’d come from and saw @cartermason running after someone. It looked like a woman, and she was firing a gun at Carter Mason. She disappeared into the trees and @cartermason ran after her. @robgokee started sprinting after both of them. He didn’t trust this Carter guy, and if he going to be shooting people, Rob wanted to know why. Rob stepped on @GraphikDeziner’s bike, which was lying in the sand, and she punched him between the legs, which hurt more because of the lack of pants. Watch where you’re walking!!” She looked at @DamianEstrada and shook her head. “Can you believe that guy?” She didn’t realize that Damian couldn’t hear her because he no longer had ears. Later, in retaliation, @DamianEstrada would hand @GraphikDeziner over to Brian Spaeth, who cooked her in a stew.
@robgokee raced after @cartermason and the woman, past @jasminemcatee, who was trying to piece together @os1019, who was scattered all over the beach. Fortunately, his body parts were numbered, so she was able to assemble him quickly. Don’t get me wrong, he was still dead. But at least he was in one piece. Rob ran past bushes and trees into a clearing where @cartermason had chased down the woman, who Rob could now see was @alliecine. He tried to keep the blood flow in his head while he moved slowly toward Carter.
“You cause this, didn’t you?” shouted @cartermason at @alliecine, who was backing away from him slowly. They both had their guns drawn and pointed at each other. If this was a movie, right about now there would be a cool dolly shot of the camera circling around both of them, while the score built slowly with swirling strings getting louder and… I’ll be back; I’m going to go score this climax.
Fine, I’ll finish writing first. Sigh.
“Carter Mason, put the gun down. We’re on an island, she’s not going anywhere.” Authors Note: Yes, I know it hasn’t been established that we’re on an island. Just roll with it, trust me, it’s an island. You KNEW it was an island before I said anything, but now some of you are going “How do we know it’s an island? What kind of story is this? Does this idiot even know what continuity is?” To those people I say, “I don’t know what I’m doing. Please don’t call me out.) Anyway…
@robgokee was moving slowly toward @cartermason, hoping the find a way to get the gun out of his hand. @alliecine was moving in the opposite direction, gun pointed at Carter’s head. “Give it up, Mason,” Allison said, not taking her eyes off him. “You’re not taking me alive.”
“That’s not a problem,” said @cartermason, still advancing.
And that’s when @alliecine disappeared. Not into thin air. Into the ground. A hole opened up and she fell in. @cartermason ran over and looked down. He couldn’t see the bottom. He shrugged and scratched his butt with his gun. It was a fluke that it went off at that moment and killed him. Yes, I killed the villain before the end of the story. Deal with it. Also, you didn’t really know he was the “villain,” but trust me; he was not a nice guy. Just before he got on the plane, he stepped on a small kitten. Not on accident, either.
@alliecine landed on her butt at the bottom of the hole with a grunt. “Uhhhh,” was what she said. She looked up to see @ekfomo standing in front of a big red button. “Who the hell are you?”
“I’m Erin.” She had two heads and 6 arms. And hair like Medusa. But in a weird way she was still attractive. “I control this island. Actually, that’s not true. It’s not really an island; it’s more of an atoll.” Author’s Note: Look it up, it’s a real thing. I’m not just making up words here for the heck of it. This is serious writering here. It’s like an island with a hole in the middle. “What’s that button for?” asked @alliecine, getting up off the floor and moving over to it.
“Do you know what time travel is?” asked @ekfomo.
“Yes,” said @alliecine.
“It doesn’t do that.” said @ekfomo.
“What it does do is something so spectacular, so amazing that I can’t even show you.”
“Because you couldn’t handle it. It’s that insane.”
“I want to see.” @alliecine moved closer.
They were so busy arguing, they didn’t notice that @robgokee had come down the hole and snuck in behind them.
The End. Just like The Sopranos. Sucks, don’t it?
Maybe I’ll tell you in the next book.